Reflecting on work at the moment, and just thinking – so many of my conversations centre around what we say, what we don’t say, what we want to say and want we can’t say to each other.
If we don’t say it, we act it out.
I want you to listen to me so I talk louder to make you hear me.
I don’t understand you so I get things wrong to let you know.
I need to know you care about me – I test you and push you to see how much you will take.
I am confused – I behave inconsistently to demonstrate my confusion.
I am frightened – I fight or I take flight – I let you know I am fearful through my aggression or my passivity.
If you’re leading a team, in a relationship, have a friendship, if you interact with the world, then you will have been the person who doesn’t say what they need, what they want, what they are thinking. You will have been the actor.
If you’re leading a team, in a relationship, have a friendship, if you interact with the world, you will have been on the receiving end of behaviour that you don’t understand. You will have been the audience.
If you’re in the audience, say what you see and see where it gets you. “You look confused”. “you’re behaving inconsistently”. Name it, call it.
If you’re the player, notice yourself. Say, “I am frightened” and see what happens.
You may be the both the actor and the audience; I shout in order to be understood, you hide from your fear.
Just talk to me.